By Deborah Chinyelum
Since the Osinachi saga of 2022, one would expect that women in abusive relationships, would have mustered the courage to escape the grip of their predators. We thought (at least I did) that previously blind people had received their sight: the ignorant, the afraid, had become liberated. But what do we see? More and more deaths, resulting from domestic violence keep making the rounds on the internet.
This brings to mind only one question: why? Why are deaths resulting from domestic violence on the rise? Why do these women stay in such abusive relationships at the expense of their lives? Why do we act like this is just part of the news; that it will pass? Why do we seem not to care? Why does it look like we’ve lost our humanity? Why? Why? Why?
I’ve spent quite some time blaming the victims (I guess it’s the easiest thing to do). I mean, who in their right senses, after seeing their fellow women die, would still choose to become meat for sacrifice? However, taking a step backwards, I decided to look at the victims and away from the victims to people who should be involved: us. Yes, us, we, collectively, as a people.
These women didn’t fall from the sky, did they? They came from families – they have parents, siblings, cousins, name them. There are even friends and colleagues. Are we trying to say that throughout the lifetime of these women in abusive relationships that the families, friends, colleagues were never aware?
That there was nothing amiss? We didn’t notice the changes in them? We had no idea at all? Completely clueless, oblivious? Did we decide to “mind our business” since it doesn’t affect us personally? Really? I hear phrases like, “what are friends for?” “Be your sister’s keeper”, “that’s why we are family”. However, I can’t seem to see the truthfulness, I should say the usefulness of these statements in these cases of domestic violence.
I find it disheartening when I hear relatives of the deceased women coming out to tell their side of the story. So, we were well aware of what had been happening, and these women died like they weren’t human? Permit me to say that these women died under glaring eyes. We watched it happen.
Yeah, in our defence, we can say that we can only help a person that wants to be helped, we can carry the horse to the river but we can’t force it to drink water. Maybe, just maybe, that’s true. But, I dare say that in very extreme situations, we may need to force the horse to drink water.
These women are not in their original state of mind, their minds have been numbed by the numerous abuses, their bodies have been numbed as well. For most, it has become a way of life, it doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t look normal to not being beaten at least once a day. It has become a way of life.
Are these the people we are hoping to help themselves? Are we really expecting them to ask for help or to simply accept our hands of fellowship? Instead of just extending our hands, waiting for them to take it, how about grabbing their hands and never letting go?
We could also say that it started one day, there were probably signs before the physical action, before it became so frequent, so bad, they could’ve called out, valid point. Of course, it started one day, but these women may not have known any better, we don’t even know the circumstances under which they got married or entangled in these relationships.
Were they pressured externally or internally, or, even worse, both? Was it a case of pity? Were they blackmailed (emotionally and otherwise)? Who knows? They probably grew up in such environments as well. Interestingly, the aforementioned still points to families, friends, colleagues.
Who are the people surrounding these women? Instead of counseling aright, guiding and shielding, we push them straight into the lion’s den? That a woman is not married at 30 is a reason to make her feel like an outcast? To make her feel unloved? Unwanted? Is it a time to threaten her? To pressure her? Is it a license to mock her? To push her to different men?
Our mothers that are increasingly obsessed with having grandchildren, do these women not mean anything to you anymore because they’re not married? Did they stop being your daughters because of this singular reason?
The fathers threatening to throw their daughters out of the house, what happened to being a safe space? The friends that taunt and wickedly tease these women, what happened to comfort? What happened to words of affirmation? What happened to unwavering support? What happened to being a backbone?
The colleagues who suddenly keep their distance from these yet to be married women, is this the best you can do? Is this how shallow we’ve become?
To all, what happened to unconditional love? Where did our humanity go? Have we really lost our empathy? No emotions anymore? We can’t afford to completely kill our emotions, let’s revive it. It’s what makes us human.
Can we have more voices across the globe; from the urban to the most remote places, our women should be armed with the truth. We need our young girls to understand that our value, our worth, our fulfilment is not gotten from a man. We are not less of ourselves because we don’t have a husband. Our young women should be able to recognize the signs of an abusive man.
We need to create safe spaces where our women can’t be vulnerable and not be led astray. We need shelters for them that will also accommodate battered women. These battered women need to be restored, be made whole again. We need to hold them (please don’t let go!) Their children need same so we don’t continue the cycle.
These abusive men need serious rehabilitation as well. Our boys should be trained to love, we shouldn’t train them to kill their emotions; rather they should be trained to control their emotions. They need to be enlightened as well. They need to know that beating, degrading, oppressing a woman is not what asserts their masculinity.
All of us have a collective responsibility regardless of our portfolio, race whatever it is, that brings bias. It’s on us. It’s our world. We need to tackle this.
Deborah Chinyelum writes from Awka, Anambra State
