Dying in the Name of Marriage

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Dying in the Name of Marriage

By Jude Atupulazi

The trending news in Nigeria now is the case of a man in Abagana who poured petrol on his wife and set her ablaze, with the woman, a mother of six, dying the next day. It would however not be the first of its kind as stories abound of similar incidents in the past, ranging from husband strangling wife, wife killing husband with pestle or poisoning him, wife and husband stabbing each other, etcetera, etcetera.

The frequency of these things have come to cast a huge question mark on the whole essence of marriage and even why those not married are doing everything under the earth to marry (this last one applies to young women and we shall come to that later).

The marriage palaver is not restricted to Nigeria or Africa alone but is worldwide. In Europe and America we read about black husbands shooting and killing their wives and sometimes their wives’ mothers too for perceived wrongs. Sometimes too, husbands there kill their spouses and children and kill themselves too. You then wonder whether marriage has outlived its usefulness or been grossly misunderstood.

No marriage is made in heaven these days and we can understand. The world, as they say, ”has opened eye” and things condoned or regarded as sacred in the days of yore are no more so. Times have changed and the African world view about marriage has been turned upside down, with virtually all embracing the Western Style. That, perhaps may have contributed to the problems encountered today.

The Church aligns with the Igbo Tradition on marriage. While the Church tells us that marriage is for better or for worse, the Igbo Tradition says that ”Di bu ndidi” (loosely translated as ”marriage is about patience). Both the Church’s and the Igbo tradition’s stance are saying one thing: perseverance is supreme in marriage.

Thus, adherents of both beliefs can bear anything to keep the fire of marriage burning. It gets more problematic to cut ties when the kids arrive. At this stage, both or one of the couples endure because they care for the fate of the children who are innocent. This way, many endure till they die, often without talking, both men and women. This hasn’t changed much today as it is all about suffering and smiling.

While in the days of yore, society helped to stabilize the marriage institution by interfering when need be, these days it is every man to himself. No one has time for the other as they have their own burdens to carry.

This way, women who are in abusive marriages keep mum and die in silence until something happens. When such happens, such as wife battery and possible death, society now asks why the person had been silent all that while.

They blame the victim for not quitting the abusive marriage as life is more important than anything else. Mind you, abusive marriages are not caused by the man or the woman alone. There have been cases where the woman is the cause of the chaos and goad the man into taking precipitate action that both will regret later. That is why many will advise that the couple involved exercise patience and persevere.

Yet, it is clear that it is easier to advise or reprimand from outside, because when those giving the advice or reprimand are faced with same situation they often act worse. But then, no one who faces an abusive marriage needs to be told to run for dear life. Is it not said that a good soldier runs away today and lives to fight another day?

Minus the Church’s injunction for those in marriage to try to hang on, things happen that make one wonder why the victim did not run away when there was time, even if there are children involved. This is because, there are things that can happen that will throw the children into more difficulties.

Take for example the trending incident. The couple have six children who are young but now, with their mother dead, and their father about to be prosecuted and thrown into jail if he is not sentenced to death, who will take care of the kids? You can imagine the scenario.

Yet, with all these problems encountered in modern marriages, you still see young women doing everything to get married, including going to crusades, visiting native doctors and throwing themselves at men. For most women, when they attain a certain age, their desperation grows as if it is a must that one must marry.

Is it not when a husband comes along that a marriage happens? This is why I can’t understand the said desperation. It reminds me of the saying that marriage is an institution where those inside struggle to get out while those outside struggle to get in.

I dare say that society has contributed to this desperation by some women to get married at all costs. In our culture, whenever a girl attains a certain age, the expectation is that she will marry. Once it doesn’t happen, you will begin to hear murmurs as she passes.

Murmurs blaming her for not marrying, as though she will marry herself. Because of this societal pressure, many girls can do anything to marry, just as barren women do anything, visit anywhere, to get children.

But then I have always maintained that not everyone can marry. No one escapes their destiny. For me, many young women should be educated on this aspect of life. They should be told to stop seeing marriage as an achievement because of which they visit all manner of prayer houses or divination shrines.

Girls should be told that what they should strive at is to establish a career and be able to fend for themselves without depending on anyone. When that happens, it is even then that husbands may come. This is because many men no longer want to marry liabilities as wives.

But if husbands don’t come, the girls should move on and concentrate on their lives and careers. It is better to be single  alive and happy than to marry, suffer and be killed.

If you see the length some girls of these days go to in order to get men to marry them, you will shudder. In the area where I work I used to know about many who kept men in their homes, fed them, paid house rent and took care of their needs.

All the men needed to do was to get them pregnant without paying for their dowries. Then one day the men would vanish and go to other girls who were also desperate to marry and the vicious cycle went on.

Perhaps, if the woman in the news had not married, she would have been alive today. I even heard she was the man’s second wife after the man’s first marriage collapsed.

A look at the couple will reveal that while the deceased woman was beautiful, the man looks her opposite and you wonder what the woman saw in him in the first place. Was it then a case of marrying to please society? Marrying in order not to look different from her friends and relations who were married? Now, she had married and her life has been brutally snuffed out. A sad ending, really.

Today, many young women have their prayer points as getting husbands, not to prosper in business or to even get admission and that tells you how bad things have degenerated.

Economic hardship is also a contributory factor. Girls from poor homes are dreaming of meeting their Prince Charming who will take them out of poverty. Thus, when they see these nouveau riche throwing money around, they pray and wish they would look their way.

If they do, no amount of counselling will make them listen to you, for them to check the source of the men’s wealth. Even their parents will be doing thanksgiving in church for the ”good” husband their daughter has got.

It is this same hardship that has turned many young girls into corporate prostitution. Many offices or companies don’t pay their female workers above N30, 000 a month. It is from this money they will pay their rent, eat, pay for transportation and take care of themselves. But transport alone gulps all the money and so how does anyone expect them to survive if not to turn to what we now know as ”Runs Girls”, a euphemism for prostitution.

It is so bad that no matter how sophisticated or meek they look, they are into it. They simply have to survive. Thus, for these girls, when anyone comes along for marriage, they agree and often times, there begins the next chapter of suffering.

The bottom line is therefore for young women to strive to establish themselves by having some skill sets which will fetch them enough money to fend for themselves without depending on men. I’m therefore happy when I see young women learning to sew clothes, to make shoes, to learn carpentry and to do business. Successfully doing that lifts them out of desperation level and attracts men who are decent.

That way too, they will not be seeing marriage as an achievement or their magnum opus. Even when they marry and find such a marriage abusive, they quit, knowing they have the capacity to fend for themselves. To young people, I say, no man or woman is worth dying for. Establish yourself first and then see how things go.

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